Do you sometimes experience a profound fear? A fear that paralizes you? That travels with you, every day? And you can’t rationalize it away, you don’t know where it came from? A big chance that is lies in your past. The past you have forgotten. A different life.
And in this life it surfaces. Because something happens that associates your present state with that old fear. You can read here my report of a Power of Light coaching session with Fanny. In the form of a story.
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My summer residence is a modest, but spacious tipi on the edge of our settlement. I have built it close to a small stream, so I am able to hear its sound. The sound of the lapping water calms me and keeps me focused at the same time. Every moment of the day it reminds me of the flow that steers the universe. At night I read the stars and I pray to the Star Nations, our ancestors. When I lay down on my back in the high grass and look up to the sky, I know and feel that I am part of the entire creation. And it fills me with a silent joy.
And yet, in the background, there is something bothering me. It undermines my focus, it whispers to me and it pulls at my heart. Sometimes my heart feels really heavy, as if it is being pulled down in my chest. It is hurting, and nagging me. During the day it is not so bad, because I keep myself busy. But when I am lying quietly in the night, it pulls at my heart again.
I had dreams and visions, of a world after this one. Where we no longer live on the grasslands. Strangers are coming and they mock our way of living. And even worse, they attack our brothers and sisters. There are also people in my tribe, that look at the strangers and they find their way of living attractive. They learn that they can have material possessions that are very handy and useful, if behave according to the wishes of the strangers. And before you know it, they are ready to mock our way of life and they forget how our bond with Mother Earth used to be. I know this age will approach quickly now, and knowing this, is responsible for my immeasurable sorrow.
Can I withstand this, to see the huge change in my tribe? To see its loss? I don’t think I can. There is only little time left and then I have to decide.
My name is Red Feather. A read feather decorates my tipi. I walk the red path. Yes, the red path of unity with the heartbeat of our Mother Earth. The strangers walk the black path, the path of alienating progress, of disconnectedness from all sentient beings.
The Elders are sitting, congregated in the big tipi of our tribe. The oldest men and women and the tribe members with a special function are sitting in the circle. I am part of that circle, in spite of being not so old yet. They call me grandfather because I belong to the Elders. I have no kids, although I have two women in my tipi. I have a good knowledge of herbs and healing methods even as my women. They gather and process the herbs. I use them on the sick. I am often able to help. I lead several ceremonies.
I earned my red feather early in my life, when I was an apprentice. I had save the whole tribe from a contagious disease. I knew by instinct that the tribe had to leave a particular aerea, to outsmart the illness, spread by little prey animals. Happily they listened to me that time. But today I am not so sure that they will. They are speaking about the ways of the strangers, that are approaching. And that contact with these strangers, can be for the good. I try to warn them, but I cannot find the right words. And oh, I tried many times and they are not prepared to listen to my side of events one more time. I realise that I cannot prove my use for the tribe any more. In the old days they would talk as much as it took, to reach a decision that everyone could approve of. Now the atmosphere is different. The leader indicates that everyone that is not in favour of the new ideas, will be considered as an opponent. And there is no way that I can promote those ideas, I simply can’t!
I am being sent away, cast out. I am not allowed to say farewell to my women, not allowed to pack my things. A band of young warriors are called and they take me away in a violent manner. From now on, this is prohibited territory for you, they say.
Not long after that I am sitting in the grassland, all alone. I lost the will to gather my bearings. Without the tribe I feel lost. And slowly life trickles from my body and my Soul leaves.
Something is bothering Sophia. It gnaws at her. It is like a computer program that runs in the background. Oh you can work with the computer all right, but there is something that consumes energy. And the computer is getting slower and some things are no longer functioning properly. A good comparison to her life, she thinks.
Sophia is a shamanic healing facilitator. For over ten years she has been doing healing sessions for people. She thinks she is not so quickly disturbed. People are fascinating in all their colours and they can always come to her with their stories. But still, the last couple of years she experiences a lack of flow in her own life. And she notices that even she can fall into fear. And that annoys her. You can’t do that, you can’t help others that way. She decides to have a sabbatical of one year.
And now the year has passed. And Sophia did not find that she has improved. She only encountered annoying events, things that appear not to be her concern, but are nonetheless very disturbing for her. And oh, she worked so hard to overcome her own trauma. She has done retreats and therapies, has taken homeopathy, extra vitamins and minerals, healthy food. But also an eight day pranic retreat, two sessions with iboga, reincarnation therapy and more. All very interesting and a couple of those things she would recommend to others. But they have not led to a breakthrough she wishes so desperately. And she is so very, very tired.
Walking the red road is one thing, but a shaman is someone who has healed herself. So until that happens, she does not want to have clients.
Monday morning 10:30. Sophia is with Fanny. She has asked Fanny to help her. Sophia now thinks that she knows why she experiences feelings of fear. Because, as a very young child she has been hospitalised a lot because of her hip abnormality. She felt so powerless when she was in hospital! She thought that she had processed this but apparently not thoroughly enough. Together they dissect Sophia’s questions. Fear keeps her from manifesting. Her life is at a standstill. She is doubting everything. Not good.
What happens happens when Sophia experiences fear? This is how it feels, she says: I feel powerless, I cannot defend myself, I feel crippled, I feel judged and condemned. It feels as if my death penalty has been sentenced, It looks like a dark tunnel. I am standing in the arena and the lions are hungry. And who knows what lurks in the catacombs, do you see that dark, gaping hole?
Fanny asks questions about the collage. And she writes in her notebook.
What was your mother’s role, she asks. Sophia’s mother used to cry a lot, there was always something.. Sophia did not want to grow up to be like her! She has programmed herself not to let go and really cry. For her, showing vulnerability was equal to being a cry baby. She knows now that that is not the case, but to dare to cry? No that is not so simple.
And again, Fanny’s questions are accurate. How is it, that you suffered so much because of your hospital past? Sophia thinks long and hard about that time. She has been in hospital when she was a baby and toddler, a few times and also very long. She had to lie on her back and could not defend herself. Now that she thinks about that time, she feels her own powerlessness. She also felt expelled, all throughout her childhood. She could not do sports, no running. She was outside of the group and that is hard and traumatizing when you are a child.
Invited to look even deeper, she suddenly notices Red Feather, the native guide that accompanies here for e few years now. And she knows that he is her, at the same time (In Fanny’s notes he appears as RV). Red Feather has been banned from his tribe, she discovers! She feels exactly what he must have felt. Rejection, hurt, exclusion, not being part of the community, feeling powerless about what is to come. In a short moment, she sees the whole story, right in front of her. She tells Fanny what she sees.
Fanny encourages her to merge her energy with Red Feather’s. Look deeper, Sophia! No that she looks for the second time, she sees a couple of aspects differently. Red Feather is a visionary indeed, he has been seeing for a long time what will happen to his people. It makes him very sad and he decides he does not want to live that way. When the tribe gathers to talk about the new ways of living, he consciously keeps his distance. He is the one who decides to leave. And he has ample time to gather the necessary tools and supplies. His tribe respects him after all! The tribe members gather to say farewell. Red Feather walks around in the circle. One by one the gaze into each other’s eyes. Some are having trouble with it, so much he notices. But he speaks a personal word and thank you for each of them. And then he steps outside the circle, gathers his stuff on his back and leaves. He does not look back.
Sophia doesn’t know exactly how Red Feather’s life ends. Maybe he followed his intention to die. Or maybe he spends the rest of his life as a recluse, far away from the inhabited world. Sophia feels that this is not important to know. But it puts her at ease, to know that he was not expelled.
Sophia feels her deep connection with Red Feather, but also her bond with Earth. Because she is encourage to look even deeper, she also merges with the Earth. And a thought comes into her mind, that healing this old ‘karma’ is also healing the Earth. And that has her flooded with emotions. She weeps. And feels embarrassed, so she tries to gather her bearings.
Fanny encourages her to use her voice. Let us hear how the shaman in you sounds, she says. Sophia has a lot of resistance to wade through and her voice does not appear to co-operate. But she succeeds in weeping and her voice sounds weird in her ears. The sound gets deeper and deeper. Its sounds like: ‘hüüü, hüüü, hüüü. This is weeping, crying, because of a deep grief, but it is also something else.. In the background she hears many voices, joining her in the hüüü sound. After she becomes quiet and peaceful, Fanny invites her to sing her own song. Oh, that is scary! She tries a few tones but her mind is immediately on cue. Her internal commentator rears its head. Carry on, she thinks. And she does, and with that her sounds becomes fuller and she sings an ancient song, that is her own shamanic song.
Fanny invites Sophia to feel the sun under her feet and to step onto her own golden path. Her path stretches before her and she feels it! It tingles through her whole body. The golden light warms and heals her. She connects with the unity grid of the Earth, as the lightworker that she is. She heals her hip, her solar plexus, her belly. Even her pelvis feels solid as the golden energy streams through it. Through her pelvis her connection with Mother Earth gets restored, but also her male-female balance. She now ‘knows’ that she only has to heal herself and with that the Earth will be healed. And with that she also heals many generations before and after her. She doesn’t have to do anything.
The deepest knowing that she will never be helpless or excluded any more, fills her whole being. The solution was so simple and yet so all inclusive.
There she stands, on her own golden path, together with her two children. They look at each other and then she feels that her small, inner hospitalized child, that used to be so helpless and frightened, is also being healed. The little child fills her being and grows up inside her. And she knows, when healing herself it will also affect her earthly children.
Look again at the collage of that arena, Fanny says. Yes! Sophia is able to look at it without that awful feeling of dread. And the depth under the arena, that looked so black at first? It is now filled with gold!
Sophia does not need to say farewell to Red Feather, because he has always been a part of her. He is part of the shamanic woman that she is. She feels the wholeness of the Earth. She is overflown with a sense of happiness that she hadn’t felt in a long time. The obstructive programming that ran in the background is gone. It feels deliciously pure and clean. She knows that she is ready now to manifest what she needs. And she will take the first, practical steps at once.
She goes home, with a sense of walking steadily on her golden path. That, and by all means the joy that it gives her, stays with her! She takes her time to enjoy it.
Exactly a week later Sophia makes a new SoulCollage card. On it, you can see the sun under her feet, her arm, lovingly touching the sun and on the top left another picture of the sun, shining on her golden path. She feels solid and grounded. The fear is gone and her hip doesn’t hurt any more. She knows that an important part of her old ailments have been resolved. And she enjoyes her golden path every day.
<<< Yah Hay! >>>
I thank Fanny van der Horst dearly, and Red Feather whose feather coloured gold at the end of this adventure..
Red Feather is an anagram of Earth Freed.
Golden Feather is an anagram of Agent Freehold.
SoulCollage website here.
Website Fanny (in Dutch) here.